a few days ago, i drew the star. last night, benoit drew the sun. somehow i feel better about the universe.

all the unease, the uncertainty, and the gut-wrenching pain of the past months were erased by our last two days together. i never knew that a break-up could be so beautiful and so full of love. we visited our old haunts and sat together laughing and remembering the past four years. it was almost as if we were falling in love again. we walked around hand in hand and we managed to laugh and be silly like we've always done. anyone who saw us would think that all was right in the world. over dessert he looked at me and mouthed "i will miss you." and he covered my hand and said, "i want you to know that I am not mad at you for anything. this is life." when we walked back to the car, there were fireworks (i'm not kidding, there were.)

i know that i am risking a lot. it was only these past few days that i realised just how much i've loved him and how much he has meant to me-- he helped me grow up. but i need to grow up just a little bit more on my own. if i jumped into it now, i would have to maim myself a little to make the relationship work and that would serve no one. we may not have ended the way we expected but we haven't lost each other either. before his plane took off, he sent me a message: "In some ways, things never change. I love you. C u soon. Mwah!"